Faking it.

For the first thirty six years of my Christian life I lived in a fog, wanting the eternal life that Christ promised, but having only a tiny understanding of what a follower should have. A few key events began to lift the fog and now with more clarity I see that my heart is selfish, unloving and rebellious. The worst part is that for too many years I lived as a fake and as a result was unfruitful.

In 1975 I said a private prayer and became a Christian on my thirteenth birthday. It was intensely personal. I didn't tell anyone for a while. My first opportunity to share my conversion was when I brought home a bad report card from school. I hastily contrived a way to reduce my Dad's wrath for the bad grades. So I decided to tell my Dad that I had become a Christian just before I handed him the report call. The plan backfired. I could tell that he was torn between two competing responsibilities of a Dad, that of sharing God with his children and that of disciplining. I knew that what I had done was devious and mean. I went away feeling convicted, as I should have. But what happened next was even worse. When I spoke to my pastor about my decision to accept Christ, he gave me no help and in fact nobody at the church did anything to help prepare me for service as a follower of Jesus Christ. Next, at age thirteen I was baptised, which itself was an embarrassing situation that had no joy. I was at an awkward age and nervous to be in front of the church. After I came out of the water some man I didn't know, pulled off my soaked underwear in the men's dressing room and gave me a towel. So I had talked to the pastor, got wet and dried ceremoniously. Now I was going to heaven...

This was my start as a Christian. You might say that it was a false start.

The reason I continued to attend church was that some of my best friends attended. I tried to play the Christian game convincingly as I learned bits and pieces of scripture over the next years of my new life. But as I grew older I didn't care what God wanted and became even more rebellious. My grades didn't improve. My sins got worse. My mind got darker and I learned how to keep secrets better than anyone. But everyone thought that I was the good Christian. Just as all young men in our society must face the world, I was exposed to many sinful options and gave in to too many of them.

My conversion was mostly ceremonious. My heart was barely impacted.

The true conversion that began a few years ago is still happening. I am learning to love God. God has helped tremendously with changing my heart to love others, but I know that my love for God is lacking badly. And God is peeling back the layers of junk in my heart that I built up all those years, exposing them to God's light and showing me in many various ways how far from Christ's perfection I am.

I need you to recognize, if you don't already, that many Christians we all know had similar expriences and are in the same state as I am in. I am trying so hard to know God and His Son and to truly believe and follow Him. Mostly I am convinced that we need to follow the way of teaching that Jesus did himself. He spent three years with a small group of men, showing them how to do God's work and teaching them truths about God. He didn't ask them to do any ministry themselves until they were prepared and empowered by the Holy Spirit. Then he turned it all over to them and now it is our turn!

Let's make sure that our brothers and sisters are not faking it, as I was for so many years.